Aaaaagh. I feel like I’ve taken more than one step backward. I feel like I’ve rolled down the hill, on a skateboard, out of my control and at speed, back to the beginning.
Obviously that’s a huge exaggeration there. I’m no where near the beginning. If I was, I’d not be well enough to write, but I don’t feel right.
It started before I even knew that my solicitor was going to apply for my Decree absolute. I’m not nieve enough to say that this hasn’t got anything to do with it, but it started before. February really.
I was preparing to go on a family road trip to attend my grandmas 90th birthday. I was driving my son and I (a massive, massive feat that because I’d managed before, when I was well, I underestimated) and following my parents in their car. About a 4hr journey with a break for the Bear (my son!) to run around and eat.
The night before I had a meltdown. I couldn’t choose my clothes, I had nothing to wear, nothing fitted etc but it was more than a stereotypical girls flounce. I even sat down on my bed and sobbed to my mum that I couldn’t do it. I didn’t feel well, I didn’t know why, was it the fibro? Was it a virus? Was I just tired? But in the back of mind, I knew that it was too much. I was staying another night after my parents left and so would be driving home solo. I had arranged to take a late morning nap with Bear and then set off then, all refreshed.
The weekend was great, the journey home was horrific (seriously one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I’ve happily driven from London to Aberdeen in the past), flu hit us both, the night before the drive home and although the flu has gone, I have not recovered.
Saying that, January was hard. My parents needed a break from caring for Bear and I (quite rightly so) but their opportunity to travel was just before Bears second birthday.
My mums help and support (although my big sister practically moved in herself and was amazing) was missed and then Bear had quite a lot of ENT work done in surgery.
January was probably fed by adrenalin. The world still kept going and as I’m doggedly fighting everything with all I’ve got, I guess it took the flu to make me stop. And I’ve not got going again yet.
I know I’m low energy at the moment and that’s driving me mad. I’m reducing a medication used for nerve pain- Gabapentin. It was originally developed to treat epilepsy but it was found to be a good neuropathic pain killer. It can however give you horrible side effects. Mind you, if you read the side effects of the drugs I’m on, they could cause the issues that I’m on them for!
Anyway, I’m reducing Gabapentin to try and improve my energy. My brain just doesn’t seem to work properly either.
I was on 2x300mg, 4 times a day.
I’ve now reduced to 2x300mg 2 times a day and 1x300mg 2 times a day. It’s only a small drop, basically I’ve halved two of my doses but already the pain is creeping back in. That doesn’t help but with the pain, be it related or not, my anxiety has shot up. I’m nervous to be alone, I feel incapable, useless, a waste of space, tired, sad, and I’m panicking about silly things.
This is the hardest as I will not allow Bear to see me cry (if I ever can’t stop myself, I turn it into a big pantomime laugh and grin at him and that usually reassures him that I’m ok) and I try not to take time out for extra sleep or to wallow. It’s all I want to do and as we cosleep, occasionally, I do need to sleep a little longer (mum will stay over and let me have a lie in) but I want to sleep all day everyday. I want to hide where I’m cosy and warm and dony have to think about things. But I’m a single mum and I do. So then I force myself and I become anxious. It’s a vicious little circle, this one.
Today, whilst Bear was spending some time with his Daddy, I went to do the food shop alone. List written, crutches at the ready, off I went. It’s never easy. It’s never pain free but Jesus! By the time I got to the checkout, I was feeling so distressed and in pain that I seriously contemplated calling my mum to help me but then talked myself out of as there want much she could do. I’d found the shop so hard to navigate. I really hard to look hard for things and things didn’t seem right (the veg area was woefully stocked mind you Tesco) and as I needed really specific things that I don’t always buy (I’m starting a new juicing regime to see if it will help me) I think I had burnt out what brainpower I had.
I got home, my mum had come back after spending some time with my dad (my house is too small for all 4 of us so if mum stays over, he tends to pop over during the day) and she came out to help me bring the shopping in and that was that. I crumbled and sobbed and cried for a good 5 mins. I felt anxious, scared, in pain etc and needed some medication but I managed to calm down and be ok for The Bear’s return and so now I’m hoping that tomorrow’s start on the juicing way of life will be the catalyst for improvement and change in every area.