Mummy worries, anxiety, whatever you call it.

Being the parent of a 5 year old keeps me awake at night. So many worries swirl around my head. 

Parenting worries keep me awake at night.

Being the parent of a 5 year old is hard. Not because I don’t love you, I love you more than life itself.

Not because I don’t enjoy to spend time with you, I’d give everything I have so that we could spend all our time together.

Being the parent of a 5 year old is hard.

Not because I don’t want to be your Mummy. I want to be your Mummy more than anything in the world.

Being a parent can sometimes make me feel scared. 

If I’m not careful, it can be overwhelming. 

I’m anxious about your future. The future as close as tomorrow and the future as far as 15 years away.

The older I get, the more I realise that it’s not all its cracked up to be – this thing called life – being an adult. It’s hard.

I want to be your Mummy forever and a day but I want the world to be different. I’m not even talking about the big things such as war, the Mango Moran being in power, kidnapping’s or terrorists.

Don’t get me wrong, the big things have a special place in my brain and get enough time to worry me and give me anxiety but it’s the little thing’s that jump into my head as I read a newsletter, or drive home from Tesco that tend to keep me awake at night.

People say the worry just get’s bigger as your children get older and you hear this advice. We all do.

Enjoy school, enjoy being young, it’s fun.

At the time, you just think ‘yeah right you fool, why would I enjoy school, I get bossed around and have to do boring stuff. When I’m older and working, I can get a fun job and do fun things. When I’m older I won’t have to do what I don’t want.’

You then grow up and think ‘oh shit. They were right.’

People say

enjoys these moments, children grow up so fast

and you think ‘erm, well, the difference between birth and 5 years, is 5 YEARS. That’s a long time.’

You then become a parent and seriously, you blink and they are suddenly at school and you could swear that they were baby’s only days ago.

The worry thing is true too. I thought the worry of keeping you alive was enough, of you learning to walk and your physical health or of you getting lost, I though that was bad enough. Yes I thought about the bigger picture and the world when you were tiny, but now YOU are out in the big wide world. Ok, you’re in school and in reality, I think the only time that you are on your own, is when you go to the loo, but this is the start of it all. There are so many more outside influences in your life that I can’t control or censor and things are going to scare you and hurt you and you might learn these things before you should and it could affect you adversely. 

This is what makes me worry.

Parenting worries are non stop.

You want to do after school clubs. Of course you do. The opportunity to play football, tennis, practice gymnastics or learn to cook. They have to be on offer for the parents that work full time. And my god, do I feel sorry for them. I am grateful for being chronically ill as despite all the hardships and things that I lose out on, I get to be with you more than if I worked out of the home.

 

 

I want you to do the things you want to do – I want you to be able to play and have fun but the more time you spend at school, the less time you have at home and that time is short already. How do you play with your toys, get quality time with me, eat, read, bathe and get a decent night’s sleep if you don’t come home straight from school?

Breakfast clubs are on offer and I hope I never have to use them. I don’t judge anyone who uses them but I hate that this is what our world has come to – our children are woken early to be chivvied to dress, to be dropped at school, sometimes before 8am, sometimes for the first meal of the day, and can remain there until 6pm depending on the school or service. These services didn’t exist when I was growing up but our parents worked, they bought houses, they lived. Why do we need them now? Because of modern life. This is what I hate. 

Maybe this is what every generation feels – that they have brought their children into a world that changes from what they knew, what feels right and purely because they knew it and are used to it, somewhat safe, but I hate it. It doesn’t feel right. 

I want you to be able to play out in the summer but I just don’t know how and when you’ll manage this in-between everything else. Do I stop you from doing the sports that you love, that keep you healthy and teach you dedication and determination in order to play and just be a little boy? That’s what I want to do but is your life going to be so different in your future that trying to give you the childhood of yore, is the wrong thing to do?

You’re tired and I want to help you create healthy sleep habits, I want to help you learn how to balance things but then am I concentrating on the wrong things? Should I be allowing you to push yourself and create a really strong work ethic and ability to push through and just get stuff done? But then you’ve just turned 5. You can do that later. But what if not?

How on earth am I meant to know what is right for you?

The only thing I can do, is follow my gut, do what feels right and try not to worry. Easy said than done. It’s like Mummy guilt but worse.

Parenting worries keep me awake at night and this is why.

I love you.

Love forever.

 

 

 

 

 

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