Hi to those of you that read this! I am so thankful to you for your support, it means a lot to me, that I have this little part of the internet that is mine, despite the fact that I haven’t written much recently. I thought it was time for a life update.
Last week, we had a wonderful holiday in Wales. My Mum, sister, Bear and I, drove down and had a 5 day stay in one of the most beautiful parts of the country that I have ever been to. We spent my birthday on Tenby South Beach, which, correct me if I’m wrong, won the accolade of Europe’s most attractive beach or similar? I certainly lived up to that and sun shone gloriously.
Before our holiday, you may know that I started to do lots of courses to update my skills, in the hope that I can begin to return to work when Bear starts school in September. I first did a Business Admin award, then Customer Services and at the same time, I go to night school every Monday, to make sure that my computer skills are up to date and so that I have a piece of paper that I can show to prospective employers, to give them confidence in my abilities.
During all this, Bear had a horrific accident that I haven’t written about yet. I will in time, but I don’t want to go into it without explaining everything. Let me just say that he had to have emergency surgery and a skin graft.
I managed to juggle most things but my beloved blog began to take a back seat.
I am also 3 weeks into ANOTHER course. This one is ‘Computerised Accounts’ and I am learning how to use a common accounting software and the beginnings of book keeping. This one is much more taxing. There are so many codes that I need to learn and am expected to know by now but my brain just does not work. My memory recall is shocking. It’s something I have struggled with terribly since I began to get ill, 4 years ago but I think due to fatigue and medication, has become so much worse. I often forget that I am talking about, mid way through a conversation. I don’t mean that I pause and then forget or get distracted, I mean that I am saying words and I suddenly don’t know how to finish the sentence because I don’t know what I was saying. It doesn’t help that the course is exam based, so I have two exams coming up that I just don’t think I will pass. The other thing that I am finding hard, is working on a computer for 6 hours a day. The positioning is good, I adjust my seat and they have great mouse mats with wrist rests etc but my shoulders, neck, wrists, fingers and back, just find it so hard. I leave in pain and it sets me back for a couple of days.
I try so hard to be ‘normal’ and capable but this course has really unsettled me and made me question my abilities. The way my body is reacting, is making me wonder what on earth can I physically do? . I felt terrible after the last lesson before my holiday and left in tears, feeling despondent and that Bear and I will always be living hand to mouth, with help from my family and that I’ll never be able to make anything of myself or carve the life out for us that I want to or would have been able to give him before I got ill or if his father hadn’t left.
I know I was just overwhelmed and feeling stressed about getting ready for our holiday etc but that in itself took a day’s learning away from me and made me feel like I am destined to fail this course.
Then I add in my beautiful boy and the fact that he starts school in September and my desire to make this the best summer and enjoy the days that we are together and it all gets a bit too much. My relationship with his father, well, both of our relationships with his father are not good. Bear is once again reluctant to visit and talk to his Dad and in turn, that adds a lot of stress on us as parents and due to the sensitive nature of the issue and feelings involved, it invariably turns into defensive texting and we get no where. I am trying to nip it in the bud and have made a call to ask for help. I cannot change things on my own and I’m not getting a lot of help and support from the other side.
My biggest barrier to blogging is time. Most bloggers, blog on an evening. I have found that the best way to manage my health and ensure that I am well enough to care for my son, mostly independently, is to go to bed at the same time as him. I eat, tidy the house and get ready for the next day, bath or shower with the boy and be ready for bed by 7pm. I get him to sleep and then I have to relax and do nothing. I get my hour or two on my own, where I watch a program or two and then with luck, I can fall asleep by 9/10pm. However, if I sit up downstairs until later be, it watching tv or writing, I can be awake until the early hours of the morning. I know some people can cope with 5 or 6 hours of sleep, an indeed, I used to be one of them but all my body needs to rest for longer and I need as much sleep as I can get.
Take last night for instance. I don’t get home from night school until 9.20pm. I chatted to my Mum, saw the dog and cat who greeted me, got ready for bed, took my meds, cuddled Bear and climbed into bed, all before 10pm. I settled down and started to watch something to unwind and at 2.30am. I was still wide awake. I know that watching something isn’t always the best way to unwind, but for me, it is. Reading doesn’t occupy my mind enough unless it’s a really good book and it is so hard to get into a book enough to find out if ti is any good, if you know what I mean?! I have to be engrossed in order to switch off enough to fall asleep. Ah, the joys!
So. This is where I am. I have a head full of posts. Personal ones, funny ones, helpful ones, you name it, I have so much to write about, but, right now, I just don’t have the time.
If you are a fellow blogger, I will be continuing to host the #weekendblogshare as I really enjoy reading everyone’s posts and find it relaxing and I also have some great competitions coming up, I just may not be posting many personal posts over the next couple of weeks.
Please bear with me and thanks.