Why I don’t want what you have | Single Parent Dating

Single Parent Dating. Not the easiest thing in the world.

I think there are few types of single parents. Those that look for a new long term relationship, those that just want fun, those that aren’t looking for someone and those that don’t want to meet someone new.

I think I fall into the latter two categories. 

I had been in some kind of a relationship – be it long distance, long term or dating, from the age of 13 years old to the day my husband left when my son was 6/7 months old and I was 33 years old. All I had ever really wanted was to get married, have children and live happily ever after. Now obviously, we all know, no one better than me, that life doesn’t always work out that way. I tried. I did it the ‘right’ way – marriage and then a baby but the person was wrong.

My ex husband is obsessed with the idea that I am jealous of him and his girlfriend. He brings it up during disagreements and recently told me that

I could have what he had, if I wanted. 

Hmmm. So kind of him to patronise me but it further cemented how I feel. I don’t want what he has.

I’ve been single for over 4 years. I have crossed paths with one or two nice guys over the years but I just don’t want to be with anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I wish Bear’s father was a different person and that person be someone that I loved, that he loved me back and that Bear wouldn’t have divorced parents but the reality is that he does and it turns out that we are so very deeply and painfully different people.  It’s a shame that it took crisis in order to find that out but sometimes that is just the way it is. 

 

single parent dating

 

Occasionally, I think that it would be lovely to meet someone but those moments are short lived as I don’t want to make the sacrifices that I would have to. My son see’s his father, every Sunday, from 9am – 5pm. That’s it. We have tried sleepovers but everything went horrifically wrong last year for some reason and he now doesn’t want to. Those few hours, other than when he is at school and I am attached to this computer for all of that time, are the only hours that I have to myself. I nearly aways end up writing, catching up on paperwork, sorting out, decluttering and organising things or resting due to my health. 

Resting is an important one. If I don’t rest, I get ill and then I need more help from my family and can do less for my son. It’s taken a lot of time to work out how to manage my health conditions and the best way that I know how is to:

  • rest whenever I don’t have my son in my care
  • go to bed to rest my body at the same time as my son
  • sleep as much as I possibly can.

Not many of those leave time to do a n y t h i n g, let alone develop a relationship. I went out for dinner with some friends last week. The first time in about a year. I was home and in bed by 10pm. I had one gin and tonic. The next day, I felt like hell. I had to spend the day resting in bed and to nap whilst my son was in school. I was sore, my hands were stiff and I felt unwell.

So even if I wanted to, how would I manage my health whilst taking time to date and get to know someone? 

The biggest reason is time. My son’s time. 

Yes I see him after school (he’s tired and its basically tea, bath, stories and bed) and every morning before school (constantly cajoling to eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed and get out of the door) but on a weekend, I only get one day with him and I hate it. Even if my health allowed my to date someone on a night, I don’t want to miss any of my precious time with him. I certainly won’t be missing any of my weekend time with him. I don’t want anything as much as I want to raise my son, play with him and make memories.

 

single parent dating

 

My ex used to see our son, an extra day a week during school holidays as his work was quieter and he didn’t take holidays. Now, in the last almost 2 years since he got a girlfriend, he hasn’t once had that extra day as he has someone to go on multiple holidays with. I do not want that. It must be very hard to try and keep everyone happy but ultimately my son comes first and so it would be a relationship that would suffer.

Then there is the other side. Any man that has reached my age or older, is most likely to have their own children. Unless they lived on a neighbouring street, it would be almost impossible to get schedules aligned. I have no desire to meet someone else’s children unless it’s a very serious relationship and I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t be introducing anyone to my son. 

I don’t want another person’s opinion on my parenting and the co parenting relationship I have with my son. If someone cares about you and only hears your biased version of events, they are going to tell you what they think about the things that go on. My co parenting relationship with my ex has gone downhill dramatically since he met someone. It’s not her as such but the voice that I hear coming out of my ex’s mouth is not his. The words are not his. The resentment and frustration is his but its unnecessary as there is no fight. I don’t want to bring anyone else into that for their sake and for mine. The dynamics would change once again and I do not want the stress. It is my son who suffers at the end of the day.

Yes, I would love for my son to have a father figure in the house but not enough to take a thousand risks.

My time will come. I’m 37 and my son is almost 5. When he’s older, maybe 10 or 11, maybe my health will have improved and maybe I’ll take a chance then. Or even in my late 40’s / early 50’s. I like the thought of meeting someone at that age, when hopefully, the drama is behind us all. My son will be grown, secure and confident and hopefully would welcome someone into our lives. He’ll be starting his own independent life by then and I see myself taking cruises, spending time in the country and just enjoying another person’s company. 

I don’t want what you have. I am free. I am happy. I am not lonely and my life is as full as I can manage. I don’t need a man to complete my life, the day my son was born, that role was taken. He completes me. He’s my dream come true and there is nothing else in the world that means enough to me to make me miss 1 minute voluntarily. 

Love 

Hannah Spannah 2016

 

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6 Comments

  1. 09/11/2016 / 11:24

    I am in totally the same boat my love, except Mini Me’s dad sees her in the holidays only. It sucks, it really does but it makes my time with her worth so much more. He is the one losing out, not me nor Mini Me.
    Dating is bloody hard – men our age all have different agendas and it is very hard to meet a straight up guy who does what he says on the tin! I think we need a moany rant! Sim xx

  2. 11/11/2016 / 14:33

    I totally understand what you’re saying Hannah. I met Dr. BD almost two years ago, but we both have girls and they come first. It’s not straight forward, it can be had arranging things and sometimes you do just want some time to yourself. I think you’re making a very wise decision. You’ll meet someone if and when you’re ready, not when someone is telling you to. The most important man in your life now is the one who should be and always will be, little Bear #weekendblogshare x

  3. 11/11/2016 / 16:23

    Wow, I love this blog post, as you probably know, I am now looking to date but my kids are 13,14 and 20 and I also have a lot of independent time on my own which is a blessing and a curse. It’s an adventure for sure but I refuse to settle and I also acknowledge that my “Mr Perfect for Me” probably doesn’t live just around the corner so I have to also come to terms with the fact that it could take me years to actually be able to have another relationship. Single parenting is hard, dating is hard, put the two together and it’s an unenviable situation. There’s no right time and if you are happy as you are then go with it, it took me 2.5 years pretty much but I do feel I am ready! #weekendblogshare

  4. 12/11/2016 / 16:16

    I know this doesn’t mean too much now, but it is a little easier when they get older. My daughter is almost twelve and I’m just now at peace with dating. There’s time, do things when you feel they are right.

    • Hannah Atkinson
      12/11/2016 / 20:01

      It does mean a lot. It helps me and quantifies my decision. I think I’ll be very happy for a relationship when the time is right and for now I’m very happy with what I have. Thank you x

  5. Single Mum Speaks
    15/11/2016 / 18:46

    Really interesting read. I’m in a slightly different situation as I don’t have a co parenting relationship to deal with, but I do have reservations about bringing someone into my son’s life.

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